Fear and Greed /November 21, 2013

I have had a bizarre week in which different aspects of my identity were paraded in front of me.

I would love to say it was a beauty parade but as is the nature of these things it felt more like a freak show. Perhaps freak show is a bit harsh but my week of self reflection was not unlike being in the hall of mirrors at the fun-fair. At times disturbing, occasionally flattering but ultimately very funny. 

What I found really shocking was the savagery of the self critique, with the self talk using a language and viciousness which I wouldn't dream of using on anybody else. This dialogue has been absent from my life for a long time but its return has proved exhausting, even if I am some how able to be more of a witness to it than in the past.

I would love to say I have meditated my way out of it, or simply loved myself out of it but that would be dishonest. What I have managed to do is to stop arguing with it and take a look at its roots and I was surprised by where it lead.

I noticed the self talk returning as I watched the meteoric rise of Bitcoin (I know...I should get out more!). For those of you unfamiliar with Bitcoin it is a crypto-currency traded on-line peer-to-peer which is out the controlling hands of the government and banks. Bitcoin has been on my radar for a while as it sits very comfortably with my anti-establishment, maverick nature. 

Bitcoin was on my target list of contrarian investments (along with gold and silver) which would survive the inevitable global economic melt-down (that's part of the identity I identified!!). Needless to say my secured investments in gold and silver have performed very poorly, increasing my anger with a corrupt and unfair system (getting the idea?... another part of the identity on show). Inevitably my tardiness in entering the Bitcoin space meant that the price at the point of my original interest $90, had turned into this weeks price of $900 (this allowed in some very colourful judgements as to my abilities...the you're *^&86ing useless identity). 

There was an old saying in trading. "If you can buy it you shouldn't, and if you can't buy it you should!"  Amazing how true those cliches prove!

Another truism from my trading days was that there were only two forces which drive markets, and they are fear and greed, and surprised by my re-action to 'missing' the Bitcoin trade I decided to take a look at what was driving my actions and reactions. I am old enough and hopefully wise enough to know that decisions motivated by either fear or greed have a nasty habit of biting you in the bum, although missing this opportunity had an element of both.  

Anyway, in the end it was simply my need to be right which was causing the distress. My dogged defence of my ideas, my story. This has been staring me in the face all week as I have been humbled on a number of occasions by those who know me well. So thank you Bitcoin for bringing this to my attention.

I am currently sitting in the uncomfortable space of not having a clue. I will resist the temptation to try to understand (however contradictory that sounds in the context of this piece). If the motivation to understand is to control, it can serve me no more. My need to be right is an elaborate defence mechanism which if penetrated may just reveal my heart.

Scarey stuff!

Love

Bill